You are dead.
Your downfall? Being a father. To a little girl. The only way to stop the inevitable is to take proactive measures to ensure your health and safety. This guide will tell you all about the 6 ways being a father can kill you and then outline the steps you need to take today to keep them at bay. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
- When you find out your wife is pregnant you will more than likely gain some weight. In my case I gained more than my wife did, (about 30 pounds). This can lead to all kinds of cardiovascular problems, not to mention tying your shoes will become an ordeal. Read more about my plan to stave off a heart attack as long as possible here.
- Knowing that you are going to be a father can stress you out, period. This effect is magnified if the baby is a girl. You have the usual doubts and worries any father goes through; will I be a good father? will she like me? will we have anything in common? But in addition to that you will have images in your head of greasy teenage boys and how many different ways they can die. This stress can lead to 2 things. Hitting a teenage boy in the face with a shovel (Electric Chair Death)!, and losing your shit and driving off a cliff, (Fiery Car Crash Death)!